I wasn’t six hours on my Caribbean cruise before a fat bastard croaked and the Captain had to turn the ship around. I was expecting sunshine and pretty girls but all I’m seeing is grumpy retirees hitting the Mongolian buffet like it’s 1999. Foreign gentlemen with funny accents visit my table far too often. I ordered enough drinks to float into the casino and avoid the annoying cruise director. This is my first boat ride and no doubt not my last — I won the trivia game and got the cheapest plastic trophy ever manufactured in China. I found the fun in being thinner and smarter than a thousand nimrods whom have no business being around food or alcohol. What an amazing trip sailing the Bermuda Triangle smashed together with spoiled teenagers, bored housewives, lanky lounge singers and robotic waiters. On a giant ship going nowhere I saw a part of my soul I thought lost to the depths of another sea a lifetime ago. Yet here I stand on deck boat sick and feeling my finest in years.